hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
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If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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