why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
