I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
