I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
