I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
