Pappa wants mamma naked
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
