idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
