btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
