OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We smell like vodka and hangover
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