How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
