quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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