It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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