That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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