She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
