She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
