I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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