She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
