yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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