And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
