Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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