I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
