There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
