So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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