I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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