dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
