I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
