I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
