i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
