She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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