Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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