Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
