I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
