i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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