K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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