I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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