I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
