Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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