I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
