I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
