I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
