Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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