when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
