You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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