My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
