Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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