Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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