I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
