I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
