don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
