Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
