i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
