I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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