Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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