Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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