why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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