Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
