You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
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I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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