Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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