I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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